Dear Natasha,
How do I get my ex-girlfriend back? I was a bad boyfriend that took her for granted when she was so caring towards me. Is it possible to get her attracted in me again?
She said that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship for the time being because it’s stressful.
After she broke up with me around Valentines Day, she messaged me constantly. I decided to have no contact with her. I blocked her on FB to give myself time to heal and realize the mistakes I made in the relationship. After I added her back on Facebook, she started interacting with me by sharing articles and stuff like that.
On the 1st of April (talk about bad timing), I initiated contact with her by texting her something innocuous, asking her about her puppy I used to play with constantly. I didn’t get a reply. After an hour, I panicked and “terrorized her” with a bunch of other texts, like telling her what movies I’ve watched. I realized that I acted very needy and the texting was a huge mistake. She eventually replied, but it was very neutral.
A week later, I asked to talk to her through the phone. We talked. She said that she still has feelings for me, but she is not in love with me anymore. I asked her whether or not she still wants to be friends with me and she replied, “It’s up to you, I’m okay if you want or don’t wanna be my friend at all.”
We’ve been chatting fine now with a few laughs here and there.
I’m a changed person now and feel that I owe her so much when I think about how well she treated and sacrificed for me when we were together. I want to have another chance to make things right and make her feel happy in a relationship.
Should I get her back? Should I even want her back? If so, what should I do to re attract her again. My friends suggested that I move on until she changes her mind about relationships. But what do you think? To be honest, I still sometimes see myself spending the rest of my life with her, and I also think that the reason why she is upset and phobic towards relationships is because I was a bad boyfriend. But I realized my mistakes and am more than ready to change for the better. However, I’m not sure how she’d receive the message I’m trying to convey. But one thing’s certain, I am totally sincere about this.
I gladly appreciate a female perspective on my current situation.
Jason
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Jason,
Thank your for your letter. I think my response is going to sting a bit, but it is the truth. And once you realize the truth, you can then move forward in a positive manner.
The truth is…it is over. You CAN NOT get her to be attracted to you again.
Every woman is pretty much the same and so is ALMOST every man. Every woman that falls in love with a man will put up with a lot of shit. She hopes and hopes and hopes that he will be the romantic, caring , kind and attentive person that she dreamed of. ALMOST every man, at some point in his life, will act like an ass on occasion (sometimes more) and take his girl for granted. She will get hurt and she’ll cry and then….the guy will do it again. She will get hurt and cry and then….the guy will do it again. Each time this happens, she wipes away the tears and moves on physically, but inside she has been scared. Over time these scars add up to ONE BIG HURT that she CAN’T overcome….then….IT’S OVER.
If you look back there are many chances that you could have made a change. She would have been able to move on with the scars, but when it’s over, it’s over.
This is usually when the man is now willing to change….after she has lost it. Here is what EVERY SINGLE GUY DOES after she has made THE FINAL break up.
Step 1: Be a jerk or a tough guy and show that he doesn’t need her.
Step 2: Apologize and say something extreme like, “You are the one I want to spend my life with….I want to marry you now.”
Step 3: Get super angry because things are not going his way.
Step 4: Cry to her.
Step 5: Ask to be her friend, while hoping deep down to win her over.
Step 6: Try to make her jealous by working out or showing her pics of him w another hot girl (this one makes girls laugh…sorry)
Step 7: Sit in a pattern of denial about things, when deep down he knows it’s over.
Then repeat a few of those steps in any order.When she said you guys can be friends…that’s it…that is all she wants….when she sees you trying to get things back or when you ask if she is seeing anyone new…it just pushes her further away.
The truth is, she is not afraid of relationships. She is just done with you. In fact, the likelihood that some other guy was nice to her, while you took her for granted or treated her poorly is EXTREMELY HIGH! I’m not saying that girls cheat while you are being a shitty boyfriend. I’m saying as they start to fall out of love, they see another guy like a co-worker, friend or classmate that is sweet and realize, “Wow, there truly is something better out there for me.” Sometimes they end up with that person. Most of the time, it’s with someone else. BUT, they are gonna get with someone relatively quick.
See, here’s the thing about girls and their pain….they hurt a lot when you go overboard. I don’t mean a simple argument, because we all have those. I mean when you are a total jerk, they really really hurt. Even though you apologize, the hurt stays with them for a while. But they hold out hope for the relationship to work. She will go through break ups and apologies, and nights of being yelled at and and treated like shit, and saying, “I’m okay, everything is fine.” Then one day, after she has been hurt for the final time, and after someone else shows her that she deserves better, BAM- she loses it….IN AN INSTANT. And she can’t get it back. With enough strength and encouragement from her friends, she leaves. Now take a guess at who’s turn it is to hurt? That’s right, the guy. You didn’t really hurt during all those fights. Now you will. And what really troubles men, while they are hurting, is when they see how fast the girl gets with the next guy.
If you are wondering, “How can a woman move on to a man only 2, 3 or 5 months after we broke up?” Because they have already been processing all of the pain.
In all of my experience from talking with guys and girls and going through my own bullshit…I have also learned one other thing….although women can move on relatively quick, it’s the guys that can’t. They will stay in denial and or pain for years. Even if they get with another woman, they will think of the one that walked away.
I should point out that, yes, some girls will give it another try after they have lost it, but they don’t really want to. That just get tired of the crying and begging. But are they REALLY in love with the guy anymore? No.
I should also point out that there are a very small number of guys that will not be in pain when the girl leaves….that’s because they never truly loved her. The bottom line is, when love is abused…it hurts!!! And both have to go through it one way or another!!
Jason, now that you know the truth, you should do 2 things. 1) Accept it and move on. I’m serious. It’s over. You know it’s over too. If it wasn’t over she would be talking with you about how you are going to work this out together. Accept it and move on, so that you can heal. It’s going to be a long time, but in time, you will be okay. If you keep reaching out to her, it’s like picking off a scab. Then you have to start over. Stop all the talk about friendship. Although she would be fine with being friends, that’s all she’ll ever want, but you need to get through the pain of losing someone. And it always hurts worse when you know you fucked up.
2) Don’t fuck up next time. Okay? Learn from this relationship!! Don’t take the next girl for granted. When you are about to ignore her for 2 days or when you are about to scream something hurtful to her or when you are about to take her for granted….STOP…..ask yourself if you want to be with this girl or not….because NOBODY KNOWS where the “I LOST IT point” is…but, it’s there inside of every woman.
IMYAGirl,
Natasha
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