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Dear Natasha,
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years. We are getting married this summer. We have a good relationship. We both trust one another. We are not the type to go looking through each other’s things.
My sister, who is divorced said, “Look before you get married, you need to do a small amount of snooping. Just to know exactly what you are getting into.” She said, “How many times have you watched Dateline or some show where the wife had no idea that her husband had another side?”
So, I looked through his things. My heart was pounding, partly because I felt it was wrong for me to search and partly because I thought, “What if I found something horrible about this man I love, like child pornography.” I told myself I would only look 3 times. And, on the third time, I found something.
It’s not something horrible, but it’s enough to have me wondering. What I found on his computer was a folder of porn. The entire thing is filled with girls that are the total opposite of me. I’m a blonde woman, medium build. This folder contains all petite Asian women.
It has me wondering, is this what he really wants? I’m definitely feeling less sexy now. And I FEEL like I see him checking out Asian woman all the time. I also know that I might be letting my mind go wild with this.
I’d love to hear if you think this is a big deal, how it would make you feel, and where you would go from here.
I’d also like guys that have a porn stash like this to tell me HONESTLY what it’s all about. Please do not use my real name.
“Summer”
Summer,
So, I have to say, all of the responses from the guys were great. I think the best thing we can do, if we want to understand men, is to really listen to them. You asked them to be honest and they really were.
What I have learned and continue to see is that men are creatures that like visual stimulation. And they like to view a variety of material. The material they choose to view most likely has nothing to do with you and your relationship.
Where I would be concerned is if his appetite for porn affects your relationship. If he isn’t having sex with you, but you know he is masturbating to these photos, I would have a conversation with him. However, when you wrote, you didn’t mention any issues that exist in the bedroom.
I don’t think there is a reason to confront him and as a result, mess up a good relationship. It would just mean you are focused on something unnecessarily and then he would also be focused on the fact his girl looks through his things… all bad. I would say drop it. I’ll give you one thing to think about and then I suggest you leave it all out of your mind. The fact that he looks at the girls for his little fetish should make you feel better about all this. He’s not looking at a bunch of women like you because he has you. You are the woman he chose to marry. He wants YOU for actual sex. The other photos are just there because it is taboo and outside the barrier of his reality. He might even move on from the Asians, to black or latin women… seriously!
Thank you for the letter Summer. One final thing, be careful of outside influences telling you how you should live your life. It could create a problem that never existed.
Love, “YaGirl” Natasha
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